Dreaming

Well, it's 6 am and I've had yet another half-wakeful night. I really can't remember when I was able to just sleep right through the night, without my friend, Benadryl. I remember my dreams, though: one night I was in France visiting our friends but I couldn't talk to them; last night I was in some region of the world that harbors terrorists and I could travel through time and space instantly, yet I stayed there. Hmm, wonder what all that means. I haven't yet dreamt I was back in Arizona, as far as I know.

I just can't completely relax, and haven't in months. I am so proud of all the work we've done: researching the possibilities of this project, going after the jobs, landing the job in THE city in the world I wanted to live in most right now, making our house look beautiful to sell, getting the family here, hitting the ground running when we got here to make this place our home. And it does feel like home already. But even so, something in my psyche resents being yanked half way across the world. We have completely stepped out of our comfort zone, and I guess none of us really have our bearings yet, in spite of the fact that we are all excited to be here. So it's my job and Don's to create a new comfort zone for our kids so they feel taken care of.

And as for me, I'm going to invent my own comfortable place, because while I love it here, it's still too new. And it's not in Arizona, because while I liked it there, I also willingly gave it up, and, at least at this point, I can't go back. So my place is a cottage in Sweden, next to a small lake out in the country. No neighbors, just a porch to sit on in the evenings and look at the sun glistening on the lake, while eating cardamom buns and drinking hot chocolate. The cottage furnishings are right out of a Carl Larsson painting, and in the bedroom is a huge white bed, all white linens, soft white pillows. It's late May, so if I wake up at 1 or 2 am, I can sit on the porch, wrapped in a blanket, and watch the sky glow with the rising sun. And then I can climb back into bed, and sleep again, because I have nowhere to be, nothing to do, but be there with my family.